Suddenly my nostrils fill
with a most alarming smell
like something cooking, something dead.
I realize I've burnt the bread.
Now a disk of lava rock
it delivers a tasteless shock
to tastebuds filled with disappointment.
I think this calls for an ointment
like globs of jelly, strawberry jewels--
toppings are a baker's tools.
Onion cream cheese, caviar,
melted butter from a jar.
Will this toast escape detection
if it is masked by these confections?
Through the jellied pool of fruit,
you can't tell it's black as a root.
Crusty as an iron ring,
bitterness makes our throats sting.
Unidentified blackened bits
might have been raisins or walnut pits.
The wheat is scorched
the rye is dry
all flavor evaporates
into the sky.
Once a perfect slice of heaven,
I kneaded you, I watched you leaven.
I dusted you with cloudy yeast,
but now you are a stony beast.
You could pave a sidewalk or
survive at the sun's molten core.
Because you cannot be defeated,
the package lied; the toaster cheated.
Jackhammers buckle on your face,
Spartans grimace at your taste.
Because my toaster went amok,
you'd make a sturdy hockey puck.
I wash you with a load of reds;
now the clothes are torn to shreds.
I wash you with a lot a soap;
the washer broke--is there no hope?
Stop it, toast! You are so cruel!
Now I feel like a fool.
Why do you mock me? Tell me, tell!
you demonic toast from hell.
I wasted all my jam on you
and now I don't know what to do,
so I will eat a wheat tortilla
or some pasta--mama mia!
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140,917 Literary Works • 673,736 Reviews
WOW. thats all i can say cause thats the weirdest thing ive ever read. but yeah, its pretty good, i suppose. are all your poems this weird?(this does not require an answer.)
NEway, CU Round!
-Z
Oh my gosh, this absolutely made my day ^.^
This is the only problem i spotted:
or some pasta--mama mia
i think 'maybe' would work better than 'some', but thats your choice.
thats all!
MAJOR kudos on this
almost as good as the last and I must say that I will check up on your new additions! Maybe as a formal request you could make an ode to a moldy sandwhich? I would love to see that on the forum!
A very interesting topic, i love it! It was deffinatelt random that's 4 sure.
I loved the beat in your poem. you're very creative! keep that up.
wow, i dont think ive ever laughed that hard! if i could but this from you i would! you are a miniature Shel Silverstine! exelent job!
lulu
Critique five of five.
Haha. This made me smile.
I'd change "fill" to "swell" for the sake of the rhyming scheme. Not as precise, I'll admit, but I think it could work.
I'd put a comma after "rock" in order to make your meaning clearer. Maybe try "molten rock" instead of "lava rock." I think the next line here is a syllabyl too long. Maybe try "It bestows a tasteless shock", or "It delivers tasteless Shock" or something like that.
I loved the next stanza. I'm not sure about "melted butter from a jar". How often do yoy get melted butter in a jar? It works with the rhythm, but I think I'd try having something else in the jar.
"like globs of jelly, strawberry jewels--
toppings are a baker's tools."
was brilliant. I loved it!
I think the next stanza is a tad weaker.I'd chaneg "it is" to "it's". I'm not sure as "black as a root." I'd omit "a" for the sake of the beat, but I'm not sure about your similie. Maybe try "soot" as has been suggested, or try changing the line endings.
The next stanza is good, as is the following one, but I'm not sure about flavour evaportaing "into the sky." It's a bit forced. Maybe try something like:
"The flavor makes
Me want to cry."
The next two stanzas are brilliant. I'd omit teh stanza after them, as I don't think you need it.
I love the last too stanzas. They're really great. I'd try:
"Now I'm feeling like a fool", but other than that they're perfect.
A pleasure to read. Hope this helps.
Ode to Burnt toast... fascinating
. hope to see more.
Hahah! I don't know how you can come up with these kinds of things. So funny!
This was the only stanza that didn't quite fit. Scroll back up to the top and look. All of them are much longer. Maybe you can do something else with it to make it look the same? I don't know...I'm no good with poetry.
Great job! So funny...*wipes tears from eyes*
BBB
Sheer genius. This makes me happy. ^_^
The rhythm was slightly off in a line or two, but since this isn't exactly the most serious, profound poem I'll let it slide.
[quote]I wasted all my jam on you
and now I don't know what to do,
so I will eat a wheat tortilla
or some pasta--mama mia![/quote]
Brilliant.
That was fabulous! It was witty and funny and enjoyable to read! You're a fantastic rhymer as well! Good work.
So you like burnt toast. It's not everyone's favorite thing especialy not my brothers, but I like it. You should try a burnt bagel. Your poem was hilorius! I read it with a friend and we both liked it. Adios :D !
This was wicked nifty. I laughed through the whole thing, but my favorite bit was this:
I love this, especially the first two lines. Great rhyme.
So... there is nothing critiqueish to say. I'm sure you're disappointed, but...
EDIT: Actually, I do have one suggestion: I think that in that stanza I put up, you should delete the "a" before "root." I think it makes the rhythm easier.
And again, it's great!
Peace, love, chocolate,
Muffin
I love burnt toast. It's very nice. Like this poem!
This was super, I love poems about food [Pats my belly] especially when they are funny. This was top notch.
Brilliant! (and I only talk like a brit when I"m reeeeally happy
) This was amazing! I agree with Gadi about the Demonic Toast from Hell. ^_^ This poem makes me happy!
~Pol~
Stop it, toast! You are so cruel!
Now I feel like a fool.
Why do you mock me? Tell me, tell!
you demonic toast from hell.
^^ THAT was truly amazing.
I LOOOVED it!
Two words DELICIOUS! I love this poem! You set a good structure for this poem and an excellent rhyme scheme your descriptions also add to the poem. My favorite line is...
Stop it, toast! You are so cruel!
Now I feel like a fool.
Why do you mock me? Tell me, tell!
you demonic toast from hell.
HAHAHA very funny poem. The only thing I noticed was "amok" which might be spelled correctly depending on what you meant. Great Job!
Aw, too bad. I LIKE burnt toast!
HAHAHA! This is amazing. There's basically NOTHING wrong with this! I chuckled the whole way through. The mama mia ending was delicious, and the rhymes were just perfect--they clawed at me from the beginning, nibbling at my senses, especially with your descriptions of all the jelly and caviar-- my mouth is WaTeRiNg!!!!! I am wowed. Amazed. Excellent, excellent work. Definitely chek your portfolio!
EDIT:
In the "a root" line, you should change "a root" with "soot". It's better.
Just don't eat blackened toast. It has cancer-causing chemicals. (Source: my health teacher.)